Grace Abundant

The Lord saw fit to save me about 13 years ago or so. It has been quite a journey and God has been faithful to continue to reveal himself to me. In the past few years I've begun to learn more about the character of God, yet at the same time I've realized that there is so much more that is a mystery!

For the past couple of years, until not long ago actually, I was constantly plagued by doubts and uncertainty in the goodness of my God. I was confused and always questioning God, unable to read my Bible without doubting and virtually demanding explanation.

I really wasn't able to grow closer to God, wasn't able to love him as I ought to love him, wasn't able to find comfort and supreme joy in him, wasn't able to examine my own heart and see my sin, I was always focused on figuring out why God works the way he does and asking questions of him.

I was aware of the pride in my heart...I understood that my doubts and questions were a reflection of a heart that thought that I knew better than God. I knew that I was being incredibly audacious. I knew of God's words to Job and thought of them often, "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?" (Job 38:2). I knew of Paul's words to the Romans, "For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counsellor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?" (Romans 11:34). I knew this stuff! Yet it wasn't changing my heart.

I would read, I would question. I would pray, I wouldn't find comfort. Doubts and fears and uncertainties assailed me almost daily! It got to the point where I was actually afraid to read my Bible and pray, and I wouldn't just so I could avoid questioning God. It was easier to not think of it. Needless to say, I was in a dry and weary land.

Well, the reason that I'm writing this post is because my God did not leave me in this land without water, and I am rejoicing in this!

I'd just finished my devotions several weeks ago and I was meditating on the compassion and mercies of God while I was blow-drying my hair (this takes awhile). As I was thinking over these things it suddenly struck me that I was truly delighting in God and marvelling at his character revealed to me in the verses that I'd just read. I wasn't questioning, I wasn't suspicious...I was loving him!

I wish I could tell you what had happened, what had brought about the change, but it came so slowly that I didn't even recognize it had come. All that I know is God was gracious to me. I had prayed for so long that my heart would change and God heard that prayer.

I am still reading the minor prophets and where I once would have only seen wrath, I now see abundant grace and mercy, where I once would have been suspicious of God, I am now delighting in him, where I once would have been demanding answers from God, I am now examining my own heart for sin, where I once met with frustration and emptiness, I now find life for my soul.

God is faithful. Don't give up hope, Christian. Keep reading your bible, keep praying, keep preaching to your own heart. God loves you and he will give you drink.